Monday, July 02, 2007


Some things should not be done. And if they are done, then they shouldn't be mentioned.
It's particularly hurtful when something disgusting is performed by a close person. I can think of a distant moron as a distant moron but if it's one's own relative, then it's pretty hard to cope with.
When I was in my teens, I had heaps of problems and issues. My parents started running a business on relatively large scale when I was around 11 and I felt neglected. I was a child and I just didn't understand that Dad is away all the time and Mom is sitting at a working table in our living room that changed to the main office and when I would want to talk to her, I was told to go away, don't you see that I'm working. I lost lots of contact in the psychological level, then. Later on, I started to have social phobia, I became totally paranoiac (not clinically, only in the common sense of the word) and obviously it didn't help my relationship to people. Since I didn't trust to my parents, well, mainly mother, father was gone most of the time, I sometimes talked to teachers about my feelings. It showed that not all of them had brains enough to keep that for themselves and would tell things to mother who used to be a teacher as well. And how a third hand information works, I do not have to tell. All this obviously didn't help anything, I just felt endangered the more. I started to have depressions, too, and all this wasn't named. For teachers I was just a nasty teenager, I guess.
I started seeing a psychologist at a certain point and at another certain point he sent me to a psychiatrist. The shrink, although I came there for a different reason, discovered that I had depressions and gave me some medicines which made me sick and stuff (ten years ago, remember) but at least they worked and I could sleep and do similar things again. But, nothing was done about my social phobia and since I wasn't absolutely mentally stable anyway, I had a nervous breakdown, suicide attempt and all such crap that followed.
I don't know what went wrong and when and what could be done to prevent it. I guess I wasn't able to do anything in the state of mind and my general opinion is that sometimes the adults just have to be smarter then the kids.
Yesterday mother got a bit tipsy and started for whatever reason talking abut my teens. I sometimes wonder whether she's a total liar or whether she has a highly selective memory but what the heck. I just don't consider her a trustworthy person anyway and good that she aint my banker.... but she told me that she got to know via some third person what I would tell to the shrink, adding some comments along the line of The shrink was an idiot because she believed all those lies you told her, adding what information she got third-hand.
Here I need to add that my mother always claimed that spying on other people is immoral and disgusting and that she hated when her mother would open her mail or check her drawers and that she would never do it because it's immoral and unfair and shouldn't be done. Since I'm not an asshole, I obviously knew that she was poking her nose in my things, that she read my mail after I opened it and tossed it around so I was relatively careful....
But, the main question is, how can someone dare to ask a doctor to pass on clients' information? I was full of age, for that matter and I never gave any consent to just spread my private stuff around. I asked mother how could she dare and that it is totally appalling and whether she remembers what she would always tell me about privacy. She said, 'I was worried about you.'
I just told her that if she had the guts to ask for such things, if someone had the guts to tell her, not to mention some professional standards, laws of this country and other useless crap, then she should at least have enough class to keep this for herself for all her life and that she is just disgusting. She replied that I shouldn't be so angry, that it's long time ago and that it doesn't really matter.
It fucking does matter, though.
I was never a great follower of Forgive and forget, I always rather thought of Remember and wait for the right time... but I never said that I am a particularly nice person.
I am totally appalled and I feel that I should do something. Any nice ideas for revenge?